I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
