hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Michael Bay diarrhea
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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