Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
