I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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