Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
