two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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