Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
