Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
