Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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