theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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