I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
the liver wants what the liver wants
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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