i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
