everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
