walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
