For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
