Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
