Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
