He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
