o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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