So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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