i jhust puked up my retainher.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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