So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
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I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
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I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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