Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
