I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
