I wish my penis had an off switch
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
