I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
