i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
