Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
