Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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