90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
