tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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