Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
lol hangovers are for mortals.
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