This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
