The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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