life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Did I show you my penis last night?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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