I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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