A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Do you remember whose house we're in?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
