and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
foreskin is a definite game changer
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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