You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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