he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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