She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
