I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
