Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Did you read the article making fun of the right wing extremists? How they organized this 'tea party', and to propagate it they would mail teabags to their senators? And it became a verb...they had posters saying 'teabag obama!' yeah...
A message to Mrs Obama perhaps?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
