life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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