I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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