I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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