White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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