Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
