Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
