trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
