It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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