Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Even my vagina gasped.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
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