Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Randomize
