why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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