Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
