Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
oh god was she eating orange peels again
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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