Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
