omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
