I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
